My Life as a Laudryman

Every morning, my father always put all the dirty clothes in the washing machine before going to work. He put soap and water in it and let the machine spin while I sleep. I do the rinsing hours after I get up. I don’t rinse our clothes using the washing machine since it doesn’t rinse away all the soap suds from the clothes. So I manually bring them to a huge basin and one by one rinse them by my hands.

Yesterday, when I took all the washed clothes from the washing machine I realized that my father washed the white linens; my T-shirt that I wear under my white nurse uniform, his white polo and countless whites fabrics, together with an ultra-red face towel. I think it was he might have indiscriminately taken the whole pile of whites in a bulk and put them all inside the washing machine at once, without him knowing that among the pile of white clothing, lays a really horrible looking, ultra-bright-red, old face towel.

I was rinsing the clothes and in a moment I thought it was trick of light that the clothes are tainted pink. So I went outside with one of my shirt and see. Sigh… to my dismay it wasn’t. Everything was colored pink; pink polo, pink shirt, pink worn out high school PE t shirt that I now use inside the house, pink… pink… pink.

Which made me remember of another nice piece of trivia that was told to us by our lecturer who told us about the amazing effect of missionary position. He said that the in biology, as a color coding scheme, pink is given to the male offsprings of any species, while violet is given for the females. This, according to the lecturer, is because of the respective color of genitalia of a newborn Homo sapiens. I think this is very accurate, since from what I recall, the penises of the newborn baby boys that I’ve handled were pink, while the vulvas of the opposite gender possess the striking color of violet.

He joked that this is why everytime he sees a man walking around in pink shirt he couldn’t help but think of walking pink penises and otherwise with girls wearing violet dress.

…

When my father finally came, I greeted him by narrating what have happened to the fabrics of the then white clothes. He didn’t say anything but proceed to his usual cup of coffee. After a few minutes, the news has finally sink in and he said as he looked at the clothes neatly hanging outside, “Naging dilaw ba lahat?” (Have they all turned yellow?)

“PINK!” I corrected.

WHY MISSIONARY POSITION?- a lengthy comment on “Free Pinay Sex Scandal’s Top Five Love Making Positions”

(This should have been my comment in a blog entry entitled “Free Pinay Sex Scandal’s Top Five Love Making Positions,” but due to my comment’s length I thought of just posting it as a separate article.)

Sex is determined by the male’s sperm cell and not by the female’s ovum. A sperm cell, which is a haploid gamete, contains either an “X” or a “Y” chromosome which in turn will pair with an ovum, which always contains an “X” Chromosome. A pair of “X” egg cell and a “Y” Sperm cell develops into a male offspring, while an “X” and an “X” develops into a female offspring.

According to one of our lecturers, the sperm cells carrying the “Y” Chromosomes are weaker than the ones carrying the “X.” Therefore, “X” carrying sperms has the better chances of reaching the ovum and consequently fertilizing it.

As a form of protection against infections, the vagina naturally maintains a very acidic environment that proves to be hostile to microorganisms, and other foreign bodies- like the sperm cells. Conversely, beyond the cervix up to the uterus, the pH level increases providing a hospitable alkaline environment for the sperm cells to thrive and for reproduction to take place. Therefore, sperm cells with abnormalities, premature and some “Y” carriers die inside the vagina before they even reach the mouth of the cervix. Thus 2 requirements are needed in order to increase the chance of survival of the “Y” carrying sperm.

1.) THE LENGHT. The longer the penis, the closer it gets to the cervix. The less distance a sperm cell travels to the cervical os. The less time it spends inside the vagina.

2.) DEEPER PENILE PENETRATION. For the ones who were not endowed with the monstrosity of a foot long hotdog, seep penile penetration ensures that when ejaculation happens the sperm cells are hurled closer to the cervix.

Among the countless love-making positions that the human species has invented, I should say, therefore that Missionary position gives the optimum likelihood for a male offspring because it provides the penis a deeper penetration (regardless of size) inside the vagina and guarantees a better chance of survival of the “Y” carrying sperm cell. However, beyond the cervix, the “Y” carrying sperm cells still has to compete with the other “X” carrying sperm cells.

Amoy Pekpek

Lallaine and I boarded an air-conditioned bus on our way home after our 2-10PM duty last Wedenesday in San Fernando. It was nearing midnight and the bus was almost empty when Lallaine and I sat two seats away from the driver. Interestingly it was a lot warmer there and the television’s audio was more audible.

We were talking about something as commercials came flashing in front of us. I was talking when an ad caught my attention… the Carefree Sanitary Pad where a pretty girl in a blue dress tries to get through a glass door but she was mobbed by eight “cute guys” with the extra-giggly voiced narrator saying, “if you think getting close to one cute guy is exciting? Imagine getting close to eight?!!” Then the girl dropped her things and the “eight cute guys” hurriedly went down to get them. The men were more than too happy to give back her things but then she worriedly asked again, “has anybody’s seen my ID?” Then the boys dropped once more. She smiled really slily because non of the guys smelled anything because she was wearing Carefree eight-hour fresh….

I sniggered at Lallaine and told her, “Yung babae tuwang-tuwa pang inaamoy sya dun.” (the girl seems to enjoy being smelled down there.)

She glanced at me and raised her eyebrow so I defensively said, “that was the rationale of the ad, wasn’t it? That no matter how hard the guys sniff at you they won’t smell anything.” She didn’t say anything but she didn’t look the other way… meaning she didn’t like me to stop the conversation therefore I told her about my experience in the ER last week.

A woman walked in with her 8-month old baby. I assisted the pediatrician as she pushed the needle of the IV to the little boy’s hand. As the doctor pricked the knuckle of the little boy, the baby wiggled and cried loudly. He was squirming so his mother and I had to stop him from moving. That was when the mother stood even closer to me and I smelled her. I said to Lallaine, “Sa OB-Gyne ward ok lang mag-amoy pekpek ang nanay pero dun hindi. Hindi sya siguro naghuhugas.” (It is natural for women to smell like their external genitalia in the OB-Gyne ward but in the ER, no. Maybe she doesn’t wash her self.) Lallaine still didn’t reply so, as a proof, I said that no matter how hard the doctor wipes the baby’s hand with wet cottonballs, the arms still remain dirty (even the cottonballs that were used on the 10th and nth times still turned black- that’s how thick the dirt was on the little boy’s knuckles). I was like, “How would an eight month old baby could have sustained that much of dirt anyway?”

She seemed really amused although she was intent not to agree with me. So she said, as she reclined back to watch the TV, “Amoy pekpek pala ha… akala ko sweet ka, salbahe ka pala” (So it smelled like a woman’s sex organ… I thought you are sweet, now I know you’re mean). Then she smirked really hard as I looked at her incredilously.

[Watch the commercial here]

Quotable Quotes of the Day

I attended the orientation for the coming Senior Nursing Students. We were refreshed and updated about the new  and old policies… plus about the special areas like the Mental ward where we’ll be attending our internship. We spent our time from 8-11:30 listening to them… here’s some of the quotes.

A CI talking about the new policy where Students are not allowed anymore to enter the hospital without the CI;

So magkikita-kita tayo sa flag pole. Di nyo alam kung saan yun? Hanapin nyo lang yung watawat, andun yun.

A CI talking about the proper nursing paraphernalia;

Dalhin nyo yung complete paraphernalia nyo. Complete ha… Complete NURSING paraphernalia… hindi sex paraphernalia.

A CI talking about the No Smoking policy of the hospital in San Fernando City;

Ok namang manigarilyo, basta dun lang kayo sa labas… at puro hithit lang… walang buga.

A CI talking about the No Cellphone policy at the Mental Hospital;

Basta ilagay nyo lang sa bulsa nyo at ivibrate nyo lang. Uuuuyy gusto nila yun… naka on yung vibration (Biglang huminto tapos biglang dumale) Ay nagva-Vibrate. Sa bulsa ilalagay wag sa kung ano-anong butas.

The same CI talking about foods for the mental patient;

Alam nyo pwede nyo rin silang ipagbaon ng Zest O o Funchum. O kaya meron dun BJ. Gusto nila dun ng BJ. Ako nga eh gusto ko ng BJ. Kayo, gusto nyo ng BJ? As in Buko Juice….

What Position?

This was a scene in my class in Medical Nursing…

 Clinical Instructor: You kids should know what to tell your clients when they ask you about things. Giving health nteachings can be classified in the three levels of Preventions (Promotive, Curative, and Rehabilitative). Do you know what to say when your patient who had just a heart attack asked you when he is allowed to have an intercourse? You can’t just giggle or say “no Comment” or “kayo naman kuya”. And you can’t prohibit him from doing it, it’s one of human’s vital needs.

Neil Raised his hand. He was called.

Neil: I think I can tell him about the position he can do.

The whole class laughed. Positioning is done for Respiratory patients for proper drainage and better breathing mechanism, but with… ermm… wel… about sex.. positions means many things… a great array of things.

Neil: (explained) classmates, I think, if the guy and his wife change their positions, that is the wife on top, the guy won’t have a hard time doing the deed, thus less muscle contractions ergo less cardiac output.

Clinical Instructor: That is if they are not going to climax. But during orgasm, no matter how different they are positioned, the deviation in Vital Signs (Blood pressure, Respiratory and cardiac Rates and even Temperature) is overwhelming, risking the guy to another set of heart attack. Have you heard of the joke (she told a joke that is I think too… well… too much that only pervert and medical personnels need to hear it)

The whole class laughed again. When nobody cannot answer her she told us how.

Clinical Instructor: You can tell the patient to climb a three story building’s stairs within 20 seconds. If he can do this without panting then he’s ready for a round.