I Must be Dying

I was listening, I guess last week, on a Radio Show when a Nurse called. The topic was about kissing and the Nurse relates how she not so in the hype with torrid kissing. She was like, “I imagine all the germs that can be transferred with kissing.” And I guess that’s what happens when you know too much. As with me, after I went to college, I never let a beggar or a street child touch me, I never touch the railings on escalators and stairs, I never hold the door knobs in public restrooms, and I even get irritated sometimes when I have to lean on buses’ windows. One time I even rushed myself to the hospital to undergo an appendectomy only to be laughed at by some mediocre midwives since according to them I didn’t even “pain enough.”

Last Friday night, I had to go out just a few steps away from our doorstep. I was in a hurry so I went on barefooted. After like three or four stride I was pricked by something sharp under my big toe. The wound was almost a millimeter wide; I checked if it was deep it wasn’t, there was a little speck of blood (the wound was so tiny that a drop will not even form) on it. I immediately ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my sole with soap and water. Call me hypochondriac. Call me paranoid. I instantly thought of Tetanus.

Clostridium tetani, the microorganism that causes Tetanus or Lockjaw, is a microorganism that thrives in oxygen depleted soil. C. tetani belongs in the same family as Clostridium botulinum, which causes food poisoning.

The next morning I planned to have a shot of Anti Tetanus Serum (ATS). Tetanus Toxoids which are given to pregnant woment are just for preventive measures, ATS however, are use to treat C. tetani infection that has not yet produce any significant signs and symptoms (like lock jaw and paralysis). For the longest time, I haven’t got any allowance and I used up all my savings for my transportation and food whenever I attend a duty at the blood bank, so I borrowed 7oo pesos from my younger sister.

I did not plan to see a doctor. All I had to do was to go to a hospital’s pharmacy and buy the ATS. Before I proceed to the hospital I detoured to a laboratory where I had my Thyroid exam months ago. I talked with the nurse and I got some really great tips from her. At the hospital’s pharmacy, I was shocked when I learned that the cheapest unit of ATS is worth 1,500 pesos. I returned home and decided to just beg my father to send me to the hospital. When my father finally came home from work, I told him that I think I was sick but he got infuriated and didn’t believe that I could get the disease with a small wound like that even after I argued that the old lady, three streets away, who died because of Tetanus, was actually pricked by a fishbone. And I was pricked by a bone.

That night I felt like I had a slight fever and I just couldn’t sleep. I kept on thinking about dying- with a titanic smile- GOD THAT MUST BE A REALLY HORRIBLE WAY OF DYING.

The next day, my sister and I planned to nick two thousand pesos from my father, but my father stayed in our house. He normally works even on weekends so we were really disappointed. That night I had another bout of fever and I felt my sternocleidomastoid muscle losing its strengths.

Believing that my father wouldn’t lend me any amount, I decided to have a deep conversation with my self. I was like, “when I was young I had cuts whenever I fall on the ground and I didn’t get infected with tetanus. My wounds were even bigger at that time. I am probably alright.” I talked with my self like than until I fell asleep. The next day I decided to just let what will happen to happen. I WAS MISERABLE.

The symptoms usually come out after five to ten days. And when that happens, the disease is said to be irreversible and 100% fatal. So I guess let us count my days, if nothing happens within that period I am safe, if something happened, you know I’d be at the morgue- smiling the disease’s signature smile.