My Life as a Laudryman

Every morning, my father always put all the dirty clothes in the washing machine before going to work. He put soap and water in it and let the machine spin while I sleep. I do the rinsing hours after I get up. I don’t rinse our clothes using the washing machine since it doesn’t rinse away all the soap suds from the clothes. So I manually bring them to a huge basin and one by one rinse them by my hands.

Yesterday, when I took all the washed clothes from the washing machine I realized that my father washed the white linens; my T-shirt that I wear under my white nurse uniform, his white polo and countless whites fabrics, together with an ultra-red face towel. I think it was he might have indiscriminately taken the whole pile of whites in a bulk and put them all inside the washing machine at once, without him knowing that among the pile of white clothing, lays a really horrible looking, ultra-bright-red, old face towel.

I was rinsing the clothes and in a moment I thought it was trick of light that the clothes are tainted pink. So I went outside with one of my shirt and see. Sigh… to my dismay it wasn’t. Everything was colored pink; pink polo, pink shirt, pink worn out high school PE t shirt that I now use inside the house, pink… pink… pink.

Which made me remember of another nice piece of trivia that was told to us by our lecturer who told us about the amazing effect of missionary position. He said that the in biology, as a color coding scheme, pink is given to the male offsprings of any species, while violet is given for the females. This, according to the lecturer, is because of the respective color of genitalia of a newborn Homo sapiens. I think this is very accurate, since from what I recall, the penises of the newborn baby boys that I’ve handled were pink, while the vulvas of the opposite gender possess the striking color of violet.

He joked that this is why everytime he sees a man walking around in pink shirt he couldn’t help but think of walking pink penises and otherwise with girls wearing violet dress.

…

When my father finally came, I greeted him by narrating what have happened to the fabrics of the then white clothes. He didn’t say anything but proceed to his usual cup of coffee. After a few minutes, the news has finally sink in and he said as he looked at the clothes neatly hanging outside, “Naging dilaw ba lahat?” (Have they all turned yellow?)

“PINK!” I corrected.

When Pregnancy Fails

Besides the completion of my necessary cases for the board exam, I spent the rest of my last days in college attending my make up duties for the 30 minutes late that I had inside the delivery room, which was already considered as an absent.

On the last day of my three days’ worth of make up duty, a huge woman was rushed inside the delivery room. I thought she was in her mid thirties. I was ordered by my Clinical Instructor to assist the case while a junior student from a college in Subic handles it. I grabbed a blank chart and was about to interview her when she took off her undies and spread her legs apart revealing herself to us. To me. And it WAS NOT promising at all. Her genitals stunk, literally inviting some flies to hover around inside the delivery room. I wasn’t astonished with the smell since I’ve encountered this before and my classmates have even worse experience. But I was shocked by the flies. Was it really that foul? I mean I can smell it but it wasn’t that repulsive. And I remember, I have my face mask on.

I didn’t like assisting deliveries. I like it more when I, myself, handle a case. I love the feeling of actively helping the baby push his way out of his mother’s womb after the nine months of confinement. Just assisting a birth is boring, so I asked Melissa, a batchmate whom I just met through that make up duty, (actually I didn’t know that she actually exists until we met about three days earlier. It was also the last day of her 3 consecutive days of 6AM-6PM make up duties) to assist the delivery instead. Besides she was in terrible need of cases.

I thought the woman just lacked the necessary personal hygiene that’s why she smells, until her bag of water was manually broken. Stinky dark amniotic fluid gushed down from between her legs streaming down to the pail underneath. The flies whirled around, flying in a frenzy as the smell of something fruity and pungent and sweet filled the cold air of the room. The onlooking nurses stepped away covering their faces. Melissa crinkled her nose, something that was noticeable even with her face mask on. The junior student nurse from Subic looked at her own Clinical Instructor for the next direction frowning.

I didn’t have to do any interview to know that the pregnancy has failed.

WHY MISSIONARY POSITION?- a lengthy comment on “Free Pinay Sex Scandal’s Top Five Love Making Positions”

(This should have been my comment in a blog entry entitled “Free Pinay Sex Scandal’s Top Five Love Making Positions,” but due to my comment’s length I thought of just posting it as a separate article.)

Sex is determined by the male’s sperm cell and not by the female’s ovum. A sperm cell, which is a haploid gamete, contains either an “X” or a “Y” chromosome which in turn will pair with an ovum, which always contains an “X” Chromosome. A pair of “X” egg cell and a “Y” Sperm cell develops into a male offspring, while an “X” and an “X” develops into a female offspring.

According to one of our lecturers, the sperm cells carrying the “Y” Chromosomes are weaker than the ones carrying the “X.” Therefore, “X” carrying sperms has the better chances of reaching the ovum and consequently fertilizing it.

As a form of protection against infections, the vagina naturally maintains a very acidic environment that proves to be hostile to microorganisms, and other foreign bodies- like the sperm cells. Conversely, beyond the cervix up to the uterus, the pH level increases providing a hospitable alkaline environment for the sperm cells to thrive and for reproduction to take place. Therefore, sperm cells with abnormalities, premature and some “Y” carriers die inside the vagina before they even reach the mouth of the cervix. Thus 2 requirements are needed in order to increase the chance of survival of the “Y” carrying sperm.

1.) THE LENGHT. The longer the penis, the closer it gets to the cervix. The less distance a sperm cell travels to the cervical os. The less time it spends inside the vagina.

2.) DEEPER PENILE PENETRATION. For the ones who were not endowed with the monstrosity of a foot long hotdog, seep penile penetration ensures that when ejaculation happens the sperm cells are hurled closer to the cervix.

Among the countless love-making positions that the human species has invented, I should say, therefore that Missionary position gives the optimum likelihood for a male offspring because it provides the penis a deeper penetration (regardless of size) inside the vagina and guarantees a better chance of survival of the “Y” carrying sperm cell. However, beyond the cervix, the “Y” carrying sperm cells still has to compete with the other “X” carrying sperm cells.

Binata Na Nga Kasi

Kupal- /koo-pal/- (pangngalan): sa ingles ay smegma. Ang buo-buo at malakesong inilalabas ng mga sebaceous glands na namumuo sa mga singit-singit ng balat ng glans o ulo ng ari ng mga di pa tuling lalaki.

Kahapon, may mga pumuntang representatives ng Northcap Bagiuo sa bahay upang pag usapan ang ilang bagay. Bumisita rin sila sa ibang kaklase ko. Kinagabihan, nagtext sakin ang kaklase ko tungkol sa isang pagpupulong na gaganapin sa kinabukasan, at dahil sa hindi ako sigurado kung saan yun, humiling ako na kung pwede ay sunduin ko na lang sya at sabay na kaming pumaroon.

Kanina, habang naghihintay sa kaklase kong magbihis, nainip ako sa loob ng sala ng kanilang bahay kaya minabuti kong tumambay sa harap ng sari-sari store nila. Habang ako ay nauupo sa isang bangko sa gilid ng bintana ng kanilang maliit na tindahan, may grupo ng mga batang lalaki na sa tingin ko’y nasa edad sampu ang nagkakagulong dumating. Maingay sila at di maintindihan ang gustong bilhin ng bawat isa, kaya naman ang nanay ng kaklase ko ay nagtanong, “O ano sa inyo mga kupal?”

Nagulat ako, pero mas ikinagulat ko ang sagot ng isa sa mga batang mamimili. Sabi nito, “Wala na po kaming kupal. Tuli na po kami.”

Natawa ako ako ng malakas at nasabi ko na lang, “Eh tuli na pala sila eh. Kayo talaga ate, wag nyo silang tatawagin ng ganun… hahahaha” Sumagot ang nanay ng kaklase ko, “Ah ganun ba? Sorry ha, mga binata na pala ‘tong mga ‘to eh.”

At nagtawanan kami.

An Eye for an Eye… A Smile for a Laugh

It lasts only for a quarter of a second but the result may endure a lifetime. It is cheap, yet is priceless. Smile.

When was the last time you smiled?

I visited a bank today. Queuing on a Monday morning proved to be a torment. A number tag is given to every client entering the bank and I got the number 17. I sat on sofa while waiting for my turn. I heard the guard called the number 14… so I was really hopeful that after 2 more people I’d be doing my own transaction. But then after the number 14… he said 41… then 42. That’s when I realized that he meant 40 not 14.

According to what I overheard from the guard and a customer, the number goes from 1 up to 50. And then after 50 they repeat the cycle again by giving out the first numbers, which by then has already been returned to the security guard. I waited there for like an hour and a half more until finally the number ten was called… a girl who just entered and got a number 40 something heard it and said in shocked disbelief, “Ha, kabubukas nyo pa lang ba?” (What, have you just opened the bank?)

She said that really loudly that the old lady who was sitting at the opposite end of my couch smirked and muttered to herself (but again really loud), “Nakatatlong ikot na no. ” (This was the third rotation.). For a sec I thought she’ll say “DUH!” but then she looked at me and caught me looking at her then we both sniggered.

I always have this experience of getting caught in a momentary eye to eye contact with a stranger and for some reason we always end up smiling and laughing because of something.

I remember one time I was sitting in a bus. Opposite my seat was a girl. In front of her were a lady and her preschool child. There were only a few people in the bus and I believe that at that time we were less than ten in all. It was raining and the little boy insisted to open his window. The mother, being inconsiderate with the rest of the passengers and equally dumb with parenting, gave in to the little boy’s temper tantrums. The rain was not that hard, but of course combined with the wind and the bus’ velocity it is inevitable for someone to get wet, specially the girl behind them, and the boy opposite the girl- ME.

I was reading a book and was completely oblivious with what was happening until drops of water came pouring down the book’s pages. I quickly closed the book and cover myself with my huge back pack to keep me dry. I saw the girl doing the same with her grocery bags, which didn’t help at all. She was trying to dodge every drop of water with her canned goods quite unsuccessfully. The rain came pouring in and we both tried harder to dodge the rain, and as we did so, we both caught each others eyes and started laughing heartily. The woman, thank goodness, sensed what was happening, closed the windows, starting another sequence of cries and whines fro her son. The bus went on but I still couldn’t stop giggling even after 10 minutes. When the bus stopped and the girl descended the steps, she looked at me and smiled. Of course, I smiled back

And to make you smile watch the following videos I found while browsing youtube.com.