Death by a Unanimous Decision

Hanzel and I entered the Neonatal (Newborn) Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at 3:45 in the morning to replace Loren and Rose. Our clinical Instructor ordered us to clean the place and check for the newborns’ vital signs.

Hanzel was having a lot of trouble taking the Respiratory and Heart Rate of a premature baby so he asked me to check them instead. Unfortunately, the baby was born an hour ago. Though premature, it was laid in an ordinary bassinet. There wasn’t an available incubator so it was left there with only an oxygen hood and a lamp to keep it alive. It was really tiny. The fingers were indeed small that one couldn’t help but think of jellies. They are dry, yet looked slimy plus the color was somewhat transparent. The hand was folded in a different way and was so soft that I thought that it didn’t have bones in it, cartilage maybe. Its head is lined with blood vessels and its chest… really tiny with the little ribs showing. There was no sign of breathing, so I put my hands on it and felt the chest moved up and down. The Respiratory Rate was sixty something. I took my stethoscope to listen for the heartbeat but I heard nothing. Breathing always comes with the heartbeat so I was sure that its heart still beats, I therefore asked my CI to take it instead. She too couldn’t hear it. I left her and Hanzel there.

Minutes went and it’s time again for us to take the Vital signs. Hanzel was having a problem with that baby again so I went and see it. I couldn’t feel any breathing anymore. I checked for the heartbeat but there was none. The color was still okay. We referred this to our CI who also asked the Nurse. Both of talked a bit and asked us what we think. Hanzel thought it’s dead, and so was I. But nevertheless they still both checked. They couldn’t hear anything also. Then the Nurse on Duty asked us, “ano idedeclare ko na bang patay na?” (Should I declare it dead?) Nurses are not allowed to do such thing yet we all agreed. There was no pediatrician around. Doctors don’t come in the hospital this early; it is always the nurses who take all the responsibility it this kind of times.

Now thinking about it, I feel bad. Why didn’t we take the initiative to save it anyway? How could we forget about CPRs? I mean, CPR nor any kind of life-saving measures didn’t penetrate our minds. We were so preoccupied with thoughts like does-it-still-breathe-or-is-it-dead-already?-kinds of ideas. Somehow I feel so unethical. No, I don’t feel any guilt. I just don’t feel well about what happened.

Then our Clinical Instructor told us to change our scrub suits to our white uniforms and that we can go home.

While I was changing my clothes in front of the NICU door (we don’t change our clothes in the locker room) a doctor from the ER came in. I didn’t have to guess what happened because seconds later a woman came holding an empty box… and I just know what it was for.